ٍIf I could change I would...Take back the pain I would...Retrace every wrong move that I made I would...If I could Stand up and take the blame I would...If I could take all the shame to the grave I
Would...
Yesterday I watched "Equilibrium" which is seriously one of the best movies I've seen lately (I've been stalking Christian Bale much recently)… been touched by the idea of how can people give up their feelings in order to live in peace, which was also unfair since these people were not given the opportunity to feel in the first place in order to know how "feelings" feel like.
Well, I've felt what "feelings" feel like… and now I envy the people living in the "Equilibrium" world…
I wish I can be feelings-free, I wish I couldn't feel anger, sorrow, work pressure, fear
I wish I couldn't feel regret, hate, desire, depression…
I wish I couldn't feel Love and I wish I couldn't feel Pain…
I wouldn't have felt the pain induced by family, friends and love.
I wouldn't have felt that I am not good enough... that I am a worthless piece of shit
I'm tired of feeling… I'm tired of how painful I feel all the time...
I wish it wasn't all so painful…
I wanna be Numb... Feelings already broke my spirit...
Even if this "Equilibrium" world was not real, I have decided to make my own "Equilibrium" in order to have my own peace. I know it would be hard at the beginning but it's doable. I would do my best to degrade myself from every feeling and live as a shallow smile – which I am lately most of the time - , no one will be allowed to know how I really feel.
I've been looking forward to writing this post for the last 3 months or so, however I was extremely buried in work the last week of the year.
Let me talk a while about 2009 and the massive change that I've witnessed to my own self…
2009
2009 started off with a phone call…
- if I hadn't answered this call my life would've been the same and I wouldn't have had this drastic change that happened through 2009…I would've been the same as 2008 which I will never recap even if I was paid in millions :D
- I have answered this call 3 hours after the start of the new year, and after 7 hours of the start of the new year I was facing a near death experience… and only then I decided to make a change and to stop the extreme life of recklessness I was living which would've never have happened if I hadn't answered this call… Thank u Haytham
And this is a brief summary of what happened in 2009:
Accident:
The beginning of the year accident, I have stayed with no car for almost 3 months.
Friends:
I have realized many facts about a lot of close friends, so I have pushed away some, got far from some and I have totally cut off with many, which I think had to be done a long time before that.
I got severly betrayed by some friends, wish someday I can find it in my heart to forgive which I never will.
On the other hand, I got closer to my high school best friends, thumbs up !
Work:
I stopped working with my brother to another place where I'm kinda alienated however rested. And I have cut off with the "rubbish" from my old work
I became a workaholic, or in other words I started to work and not to play, proven myself in both workplaces I have been workin' in.
Personal Transformation:
By all means, I became a better person, stopped a lot of bad habits thank God, and getting to try doing some good deeds to make up for the past.
Throughout 2009 I have been trying to get closer to God, praying all in time, reading Quor'an, trying to do good things, trying to put a limit to my mistakes. In other words, I have finally grew a conscience!
The Boyfriend:
I met someone (cliché huh?), hehehe
I have known someone for 3 years and I was sure in a way or another that I will end up with him…He's not the "bad boy" type which I regularly get attracted to, but I have liked him for a while before confronting him with my theories that no others can be this perfect for each others, and guess what? He was convinced!
Having this man is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me… and not just any boyfriend… I have had my Mr. Right.
He proved me that I have never been in love before, he has shown me care and affection that I have never had… and in return I made his life a living hell… I have this tendency to kill everything beautiful.
He played an important role in my transformation process even before we got together, he literally "rabbany w lamenny" as they say.
I am trying to be a better person with him cause he is the best thing ever… and I really want him to love me the way he used to.
I have been nagging, hurting, killing him!But that's what every gurl does, at least I'm a good person and acting as per "nature". However I transformed him from the sweet caring person 24/7 to the stage of "stop bugging me!" being said out loud and from hearing sweet words all the time to "howa ana le7e2t aw7ashek !!! " and from "my times with u have been the best" to "the most exhausting period, VERY exhausting" ...He's changed from being so emotional to faking most of it in my opinion... I am totally losing hope in getting him back...
I Suck at relationships.. Just thought this one will be easier
Miscellaneous:
I had my eyes fixed…. YAY… no more glasses or lenses. I can finally see what's around just when I wake up!
I lost A LOT of weight and then gained it all back, which is currently killing me.
I have FINALLY cleaned my room, removed one of the beds and won a HUGE space; I have got rid of more than 10 full bags of crap.
I have finally issued an ID (instead of the one lost 7 years ago) and I have also issued a passport (instead of the expired one)
I started to try and save money; of course nothing's saved however I have learnt how to control my spending and how to manage to plan in advance for commitments.
I have got another mobile line and accordingly I have changed my mobile phone to a little Chinese retarded one in order to be able to operate both lines
Well to sum it all up, in 2009 mainly I have realized that I'm a worthless piece of shit :D but it was an "okay" year after all, and every year has its ups and downs. but 2009 has been hard on me aweeee since its first hours.
I started this year up as a "star", and ended it up ashamed of myself, even my own brother is ashamed of having me around...
2008 – 2009
2008 was more fun, much much much much more fun and full of unconsciousness and shit, and again, I will never write a 2008 recap like the one above regardless of how much money I might be offered :D
2008 was the most fun I have ever had so far, but if I had the chance, I would definitely delete it…
2009 – 2010
I wish 2010 be a better year than 2009, 2009 wasn't awful however it was so stressful, I have faced success in addition to great failures throughout this past year…
Finally, My resolutions for 2010 are:
LOSE WEIGHT!
Get married, getting engaged 7atta!… heehee, depending on the losing weight process (el wad a7'adny kont mozza, delwa2ty ba2et talaga 14 2adam)
Keeping myself alive, not being killed by anyone, most probably the boyfriend
Not killing anyone, most probably Mr. S my boss
Being better to my family, I personally don't wanna do that
Working more professionally and with more concentration
Getting close to God, praying more, fasting more and reading more Quor'an insha'Allah
Be a better person in general, improvements in all aspects
And last but not least, better language and better attitude, controlling the "tongue" or cutting it off :D
I will assess them isA by the end of the year, and I'm sure I will LAUGH my A** off then :D
1.Always makes me feel good about myself, encourages me to be better and at the same time is hard on me when I need to wake up and stop any wrong path I'm taking.
2.Sleeps besides me every night, talks to me for long and convinces me to sleep when I'm sleepless.
3.Helps me get dressed for different occasions, assists me with my makeup, Dolls me up...
4.Talks to me all the time, keeps me company… and best of all listens well to the thoughts that I can not let out to anyone.
5.When I'm alone he helps me have fun, sing along, dance, take long drives and many more fun stuff
6.Cause I have no one in reality who can make all the things that my imaginary friend does completely, especially lately when I woke up to the fact that I have no friends around whom I can let it all out to
7. Comforts me all the time, I love it when he taps me on the shoulder and says that "everything's gonna be alright"
After reading this, you will consider me one of the insane, but Don't Sweat It...
We all have imaginary friends!!!
(and here I was talking about my imaginary best friend only not all of them :D... he's a good guy )
I am so happy, Being engaged, being out with my fiancé… he's a great man, extremely classy, nice, sweet, caring and rich ! and I believe I love him…
Oh… how I love being with him in his car, watching him drive while talking "business" on his mobile phone… I'm the business man's wife to be!
I love the drive in his extremely luxurious car…ummm how great my life is about to be…
I am so excited to start my new life as a woman of the high society…
Wearing branded clothes, high heels and classy skirt, talking from the tip of my nose and to the highest ranked people in town…
Being in the high society events, cocktail parties, charity galas, maybe someday I'll be the spokes person in one…
I love how he showers me with gifts and how he plans to surprise me with anything I want… sometimes even before I think I want it…
It all started off like a fairy tale… with the prince on one knee proposing with a ring that has a rock that can reflect the sun accompanied by promises of endless love and happiness…
Oh, I love my fiancé…
Oh wait, my phone is ringing… it's my mother in law… "hello ma…" this woman really charms me… how elegantly she behaves, how precious she always appears with her real diamonds and pearls necklace and the tens of karats of gold that are different every time I see her according to what she's wearing…
This is THE new life I'm gonna be in for the rest of my life…Maaaaaan, I'm gonna enjoy this…
Ummm… but why do I remember "him"… Okay he's the only man I have truly had true feelings for… why do I keep remembering how he felt for me that was all real and not just sugar coated, and the warmth that lacked the appearances… well, the fake appearances…
We used to be happy no matter where we go regardless of how broke we used to be, I miss the look in his eyes and the touch of his skin… I remember… damn… all of him…
Maybe cause he used to make me feel alive? Maybe cause I used to shiver every time he touched me?...I am extremely happy and I love my fiancé but when he touches me it feels more like he's "punching" a lifeless sandbag…
I gotta be reasonable thou… cause now… here… I will have whatever I want whenever I want it! I will look better than everyone I used to know and I will have even more than I need and I will actually be able to brag about it…
It suddenly hit me… I am enjoying this… enjoying the gifts and being the centre of attention But this is not my place to be… this is not who I am…
I should run…
If only "he" would take me back…
________________
In some point in life it's either choosing to suffer or suffer… suffering not getting what you want or getting what you want and suffering the consequences…
Sometimes people compromise something important for something that isn't that important… based on the momentarily decision…
There was a very big nuts tree in the woods, it was owned by 4 squirrels; "Sangoob, Sanagbab, Sangaboob and Sengab"… They were very clever and well behaved squirrels that were always doing their best to enrich their big tree and its nut-crops, and they worked so hard to save as much nuts as they could for the winter.
Until one day, they ran into a hot female squirrel "Manal" that stole their minds, all of them… and they all did their best to impress her… They all spent much time with her playing and having fun until one time she came with a "powder" and asked them if they want it "Shakmanat walla Sossat" (Shakmanat = yesatarro and sniff sniff / Sossat = Injections) .
She started off with them as Shakmanat, they used to do it all the time and have fun afterwards, then they got so deep into this shit and moved into the Sossat stage… they forgot all about their big tree, forgot all about their mission of saving nuts for the coming winter time and all they did was Sossat and Shakmanat, eating, playing and dancing all the time…
Winter came and they had nothing left to eat…
The summer after, the other squirrels found the skeletons of the 4 ex-good squirrels inside their big tree with the remaining of the "powder". (I'm not sure what happened to Manal)
She heard about him a lot… the "Legendary" person that everybody's talking about…
She heard about him a lot that she was thrilled yet scared to meet him… He loves everyone, everyone loves him; he's everyone friend and fun booster but she thought to herself, "What if he didn't like me? What if he didn't like her company?"… she did her best not to meet him… for so long she avoided any type of contact with him and trying her best not to hear about him even...
And one day, when She was completely dead…. Inside and out… some old friend came and said, "hey J… meet X !" , she was surprised… shocked… She kept her silence, didn't wanna say anything, she was scared he might have a bad first impression because of the state she was in, so she remained silence…
She watched him from a distance, yet watched him very closely… he was trying to penetrate her silence… she found him to be extremely sweet and loving, caring and charming… and gradually he succeeded in making her talk, she didn't know him well but she spoke her mind… she didn't know him at all but she felt comfortable as never before… she had never seen him before but she cried in his arms…
He tried to protect her and she tried to protect him… they have been transformed into a single person in no time and she didn't know what that was… maybe she needed this care? Maybe she needed an amendment? She never knew… but all she was sure of was that she was not scared anymore…
and in no time the "legend" was hers… she knew that from the look in his eyes, from the longing in his voice, from the way he touched her hand whenever he could and from the way he showered her cheeks with kisses every time he saw her… she felt like his doll…
But was she his?
The weird feelings of right and wrong started to mix up… the scary fact that she was trying to dive into something she didn't feel because she wants to feel alive again… she was trying to know if she had feelings for him and she believed that she was trying to convince herself with some feelings that she totally hadn't… she knew she was just going with the flow…
She was drugged for a while… but then Opening her eyes to many facts and many factors she never thought she would calculate ever… she knew that was all nothing, not even a phase … then slowly she started realizing what that all was, she totally miscalculated cause "if it walks like a duck… and talks like a duck…."
As of Today, November 3rd, I have been a "working" woman for exactly 1 year...
Never thought I could last that long :D I'm not that happy about it because it's like the anniversary of my personal/social/home sickness suicide :D
It no longer stay on my bed 24/7 watchin movies and TV shows... online all the time talking to others...playing games... talking on the phone till dawn and go out every night and go out to breakfast most mornings... with no worries and no responsibilities other than deciding what to do the next day, or even just leave it spontaneous... Damn, I even no longer take Saturdays Off ! During this year,Thank God, I have proven myself to be able to hold responsibilities, to be a workaholic and proved myself as a good employee in the work place... weird huh?
Believe it or not... I don't really hate to work...
-She: Maybe cause I wanna feel numb and stop thinkin'for a while…
Scene 2:
She with "the" He, in front of the bedroom's mirror
-the He: Look at you… You are so beautiful… and I just look ordinary
-She: You're amazing… I want nothing more
-the He: How do you feel?
-She: Can never be happier…
-the He: didn't know you can be such a tease…
-She: so we're having sex, strange huh?
-the He: we're not having sex baby… we're making love
The He kissed She's Hands several times…
- the He: I Adore You…
touch me…
- She: I am touching you !
- the He: no that's not what I mean… Touch me !
.... Now, I will take you to places you've never been…
A loooooooong Kiss… She… in the state of disbelief of where she is… or how happy she feels… feeling like all the days she has ever lived meant nothing at all…
-the He: OH! Why are you crying baby?
-She: Because tomorrow… I'll open my eyes… and you won't be beside me… you won't be here
-the He: this was all wrong from the start…
-She: then kiss me till the morning comes…
-the He: STOP !... we're not a couple
-She: I just wanted to live the moment… I just wanted you to Lie to Me…
Scene 3:
She with a She
-a She: I love you…
-She: mmmm
-a She: I said I love you…
-She:…..
-a She: don't you love me?
She silences a She with a long kiss, enjoys every moment… and when it's done, during She bursts into tears.
-a She: Why are you crying?
-She: cause I loved how it felt…
-a She: Then what made you cry?
-She: Cause now I know I will never feel what I felt with He ever again…
Look! I believe everyone's free to do what they want!!! I believe in total freedom as long as it doesn't involve someone else...
You are free to do what you want... Just don't pretend otherwise!!!
Well Maybe its my problem that I know too much...
Some Snapshots:
Meet the religious one, who speaks about how religious she is all the time and who always comments on what's everyone's wearing claiming that this is too revealing, these sleeves are so short, this is too slutty…and somehow spotted with a "Bikini" on the beach and hot shorts and a transparent – bra showing shirt at night in summer and in the arms of men... now being slutty is over rated huh??
Meet the one who pretends to be deeply in love with someone that no body else knows, just to hide the relationship with someone from within.
Meet the one who was madly in love with her boyfriend, and suddenly he is no good and she wants to leave him, and the next day she's showing her new "best friend" to everyone who eventually turned into a boyfriend in the next 13 hours.
Meet the innocent gurl who broke up with her boyfriend cause he tried to kiss her, and she goes around telling this story to everyone even to the people she has previously slept with (note: I said people not guys)
Meet the guy who makes a fake profile on facebook that posts and comments on his main profile and making up story lines just to show everyone he's in touch with the old love of his life (who I believe was fake in the first place)... Pathetic!
Meet the too good to be true guy, who fascinates all the moms and dads of his extremely excellent attitude, and when you know him you feel like you've had the perfect friend… and 3 conversations later you discover that he just keeps this mask to sleep with everyone.
Meet the best friend for yeaaaaaaaaars, who stops calling totally when she gets what she wants and when she finds someone else to completely take care of her and "pay" for every need she has.
Meet my friend, who is the boyfriend of my friend, who is engaged to someone else in another city that is totally unaware that her fiancé is the boyfriend of my friend…
Meet the great guy who pretends to be a great guy to sleep with the innocent girl who gets scared from being touched, not knowing that she can teach him sex for advanced levels.
Meet the lesbian who always has one or more boyfriends and who always shows up with a guy when she's deeply hung up on her old female lover (easy on the pics gurl, I don't believe you wanna come out now! ).
And Finally, Meet the one who pretends to be the excellent driver, who never makes any mistakes on the road but she's so unfortunate to have an accident all the time cause its somebody else's mistake EVERYTIME… and when there was no one to blame for the last accident… She blamed it on the "infrastructure", well, the road is built in a wrong way !!!Well, that last one was ME !=D
